Not Alone

This morning I am headed in for brain surgery by myself, and yet I am not alone. I know that God is with me. And I know that you are all lifting me up in prayer. I am so very thankful for your prayers and support and for a God who does not leave his children alone. I still wish that Candis could be there with me, she is such a source of strength for me. To be completely honest, I am terrified. It’s bizarre to think that in a few hours my skull will be opened up and someone will poke around in there with a scalpel. The good news is he should have plenty of space to work! 

So as I walk over to the hospital for my tumor-ectomy (not the official medical term) I am comforted by these verses: 

Psalm 23: 4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 

Matt 28: 20b “... And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Please pray through Psalm 116 with me today. It has spoken to me deeply in so many different ways. 

Live Like you are Dying

Something fortunate has happened: I have brain cancer and you're here reading about it. (The 'something fortunate' was fortunate for you, not for me.)

Why is it fortunate for you that I have brain cancer? Because you can learn from my experience. God is teaching me to live like I'm dying, to live with the end in mind. That's easier to do when you have a terminal disease and you can see the end in sight, but it doesn't require that. Don't wait for it to be you, to start living like your death is inevitable, because your death is inevitable. Use my situation as a thought experiment and imagine what it might be like if it was you. The truth is we don’t know how much time we have left, and God could call our number at any moment. We all know somewhere in the back of our minds that we can die suddenly, but we tend not to dwell on it because it's uncomfortable. But it's a gift that we're given to realize that death is waiting right around the corner. It gives us a chance to really live.

"Every man dies, not every man really lives" - William Wallace

Contemplating my own shortened life span has helped me to see that I should live like my death is coming quickly, because according to some doctors, it is! You're not in the same boat (hopefully), but it doesn't mean that you can't learn from my situation and live like you're dying.

What does it look like to live like you’re dying? It means enjoying the good things that God has blessed us with. For me it has meant telling my family how much I love and appreciate them. It has meant I try to spend less time telling them I’m too busy and more time giving my attention when requested, because even if this is all the time I get I wouldn’t trade my family and my lot in life for anyone else’s. Many of you feel the same way about your own families, but have you told them that?

The sooner we recognize that our time here is limited, the sooner we can start living the way God wants us to. The sooner you realize that this life is but a vapor in comparison to what's coming next, the sooner you can begin to live with the next life in mind. The next life will be infinitely longer than this one, so worry less about storing up earthly treasures and store up treasures in heaven. ‭

“They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.” - 1 Timothy‬ ‭6:18-19‬ ‭

I encourage you to spend a few uncomfortable moments thinking about how you would live if you were told you only had a short time to live. What can you do to invest in heavenly treasures? What are the things that you wish you would've said to your family and loved ones? Say them now. What are the things that you wish you would've done? Do them now. And make sure to enjoy the good things from God along the way.

The Guy with Dope Scars in his Hair

Today (May 3rd) is exactly 1 year since I found out that I had a brain tumor. That was the day that "my life got flipped, turned upside down," to quote the Fresh Prince. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands in quarantine and I'm really bored. How bored? This bored:

Gorilla Ice

With everyone all locked up in quarantine I thought I'd share this little confession (and video) in the hopes that it will brighten your day. About 11 years ago I ran a race where everyone dressed up as a gorilla to support some gorilla conservation/protection fund. Before the race began, I filmed myself dancing to Ice Ice Baby while wearing the gorilla costume. Please enjoy a laugh at my younger self's expense. 

Sorry the video is so long (almost 4 minutes!), but let's face it you'll watch anything at this point in quarantine. I dare say this isn't even the weirdest thing you've watched in quarantine. 

Expiration Date

Today, April 6th 2020 is my expiration date. Or so I'm told. How does one get an expiration date? More on that in a moment. First, some good news to share.

Background: Candis and I recently received a referral to MD Anderson (generally considered one of the best cancer centers in the country) and we've been waiting to hear back from them for several weeks. It felt like months.

Good News: Yesterday (on a Sunday evening, no less) one of the top neurosurgeons from MD Anderson called us and informed us that he was looking at all my MRIs and suggested that things may not be as bad as we'd previously been led to believe. He suggested that a second surgery may still be needed, but it's not urgent and should be postponed until after this whole COVID-19 stuff blows over. Then he asked us to take down his personal cell phone number and to call him if we needed anything! We were flabbergasted! Gobsmacked even! God is good. 

God has been teaching us to wait on the Lord, to wait on His good timing. It has been difficult. Recently I began praying much like the Psalmist:

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? 
How long will you hide your face from me? … 
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; 
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death," - Psalm 13: 1,3

And again in Psalm 69: 17 - 

"Hide not your face from your servant, for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."

Not from a spirit of impatience towards God's good timing, but in the spirit of complete dependence upon God and an overwhelming desire to hear His answer.

This good news is better than Candis and I dared to hope for and I am reminded of the Apostle Paul's words to the Ephesians: "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph 3: 20-21

It's an incredible thought that our God is able to do more than we can ask or think, but He proves that to be the case in our lives.

 

Now, about that expiration date... 

After the surgery to remove my brain tumor last year on May 6th the surgeon informed Candis (while I was still under anesthesia) that my life expectancy was 11 months. By my calculation that makes today my 'best before' date. I think it's probably stamped on the bottom of my foot somewhere.

Several weeks later after the pathology report came back the doctors granted me an extended life expectancy, but we lived with that 11 month timeframe in the back of our minds for a while. Fortunately for me, my time isn't 'granted' by doctors, or determined by tumors, but by God. For that I am forever thankful.  

Cancer Patient Problems

I Blame the Drugs

You know one of the great things about having brain cancer? OK, nothing. Nothing is really great about it, but here's one of the benefits: Anytime I don't feel like doing anything I can blame it on the drugs I'm taking, or the treatments I'm undergoing, or the cancer itself and everyone just nods along sympathetically. "Yeah, that must suck," everyone assumes.

If I have an outburst of rage? That's probably just a side effect of some drug I'm on.
If I can't motivate myself to get out of bed, just a side effect of the anti-seizure meds.
When I don't want to be hospitable and compassionate to others it's probably just because I'm stressed out about my own hardships.
When I'm irrationally angry about some minutia, just a side effect of the cancer, have some compassion on me, man!
When I don't want to be loving, and caring towards my family or towards others? Cut me some slack I have brain cancer!

What about me?
It isn't fair,
I've had enough now I want my share,
Can't you see,
I wanna live,
But you just take more than you give!
#AwfulSong

If you're reading this and you've made it this far then the chances are that you know me personally (otherwise why would you still be reading?) so I'm asking you to not be sympathetic and to not let me get away with these things. Don't accept any excuses. It doesn't matter what drugs I'm on or what side effects I claim that they're having. It doesn't matter what hardships I'm facing myself. I am a disciple of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and I'm called to be more and more like Jesus every day. If nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Rom 8: 35) then nothing ought to be able to separate me from fulfilling my duty to reciprocate Christ's love to the world. Certainly not something like brain cancer that God is fully in control of. So don't accept any excuses from me, especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Goodbye 2019!

What a year it has been! On May 3rd I learned I had a brain tumor that turned out to be cancerous. After surgery to remove it, I began radiation and chemotherapy treatments, the latter of which still continue. So as we exit the teens and roar into the twenties I thought I’d look back at the year and acknowledge what a great year it has been. Although there have been trials and troubles in 2019, I’m still thankful for this year. How can I say that? I'm glad you asked.

Here’s a heartily abridged list of reasons why 2019 was a good year for me:

• I got to go to an Alan Walker concert in Tucson with my family. 
• I got to attend a Pats game at Gillette Stadium with my family. 
• I got to run my favorite half marathon in Fort Collins. 
• I won my age group in a 5k at elevation (8250 ft) just days after completing radiation therapy. 
• Liverpool won Champions League after one of the most improbable comebacks in history against one of the best teams in the world. #YNWA 
• I got to go to GABF with some lifelong friends. 
• I finally made it to TopGolf with some best friends. 
• I got to star in my own viral video (linked here). 
• I got to find out what I look like with a Mohawk (not too shabby, if I do say so myself).

  

  Lopsided Mohawk!

  
  
• I found out for sure that I do have a brain. Someone has actually seen my brain, can you say that? 
• I learned that you CAN have joy in all situations. 
• I learned that you CAN be thankful in all situations. 
• I learned just how much my family loves me. For that matter, I learned how much my church family and friends love me. 
• I learned that God is good. All the time. 
• I learned all these things because God’s sustaining grace is REAL.

I’m thankful that 2019 is over and I’m thankful that I’m still here for the dawning of another year.

I am still learning how to be content with hardship, calamity, and weakness, but I know that Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12: 9-10). I know that God works all things together for our good and his glory, and I rest in His promises.

Being diagnosed with a terminal disease has been difficult, not to mention a little scary, and even though I am exactly where God wants me to be and I still fully trust his plans for my life, I am struck by this quote from C. S. Lewis: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

Wondering how painful the best will be has caused me to contemplate my demise and look back on my life. I came to the realization that there are many things I'd do differently, but I also came to realize that I've already experienced a lifetime’s worth of blessing in my 44 years, and if this is all that I get then it is more than enough and infinitely more than I deserve. I have experienced more love, more blessings, more joy in my life than many people experience in a full lifespan. God is good. All the time.

Goodbye 2019, we’re on to 2020 and I am excited to watch God unveil his plans for my life, no matter what that looks like.
 

There was an Old Lady...

You remember that song you learned as a kid about the old lady who swallowed a spider to catch a fly, but we never find out why she swallowed the fly? I feel like that with my cancer treatment lately. The oncologist prescribes meds to kill the cancer, and then other meds to deal with the side-effects of the cancer-killing meds, and then when those have side-effects there's still more meds to take. 

My wife is questioning my sense of humor just because I composed a little song parody. I couldn’t quite figure out how to end it though, I need some help with the last word.

I know an old man
With a cancerous brain mass
But I just can’t grasp
How he got a cancerous brain mass
Perhaps he’ll pass?

I know an old man
Who took the chemo
His White Blood Cell flow
Went frighteningly low

He took the chemo
To fix the brain mass
But I just can’t grasp
How he got a brain mass
Perhaps he’ll pass?

I know an old man
Who got shots every day,
Oy vey! Shots every day?
He got shots every day
To make the white blood cells okay.
The shots made his bones ache,
So there was still more to take!
He got shots every day
Because of the chemo,
He took the chemo,
To fix the brain mass,
But I just can’t grasp,
How he got a brain mass
Perhaps he’ll pass?

I know an old man
Who took antihistamines
Antihistamines? What’s wrong with his genes?
He took antihistamines to fix the bone ache
He got the bone ache from the shots he’d take.
He got shots every day,
Because of the chemo,
He took the chemo,
To fix the brain mass,
But I just can’t grasp,
How he got a brain mass
Perhaps he’ll pass?

Or, he’ll kick its ____

 

I've Got Cat-Like Speed & Reflexes

I am graceful like a gazelle. Want proof? Here I am taking out the recycle bin one icy Friday morning. Enjoy!

Here it is

This is the initial post for Scoop of Vanilla. Just trying this thing out. Appropriately, this is a very bland post.